19th September 2009
Hopkins humiliate SJU 7-1
If it was solely on looks, it would probably have been by more
By Andrew HenryThe undefeated and overwhelmingly good-looking Johns Hopkins University club soccer team traveled to the City of Brotherly Love to face a fierce but significantly not-as-good-looking St. Joe's squad. Armed with bananas, Gatorades, and a full arsenal of soccer moms, the Blue Jays peppered the Hawks from the get-go. Tempers flared as Team Captain, Kevin Ruppel, decided to confront a St. Joe's player after subsequent reckless tackles. He approached the opposing player with the bravado and overconfidence of someone with at least twice his muscle mass and boldly informed the plater the he was a "piece of s***". As always, sportsmanship is optional. Luckily, Ruppel was able to be subdued before he took things to the next level and whipped out his samurai sword. The outburst resulted in his second yellow card of the day.
Senior Chris de Laiglesia kicked off the scoring by scoring a goal by beating his player on pace alone and after having his first shot deflected, scored the rebound. Colin Plover also got on the score sheet, adding two more goals before the first half ended. Fans reacted in shock as Nick Khan, still drunk from his 21st birthday festivities, started pissing on the other team's belongings.
The Hawks brought in their big guns in the second half and brought out Mr. T, weighing in at 7'7" 280lbs. A fantastic effort from the Blue Jays D kept him off the score sheet until late in the second half when an errant back pass to the keeper put St. Joe's finally on the score board. Other than that it was all Hopkins as the Blue Jays put together a highlight reel of goals. Spencer capitalized on a fantastic ball by Wyatt Roscoe and volleyed it into the bottom corner. The notoriously sketchy Chris de Laiglesia was also able to navigate the defense and put one in the back of the net. The goal of the game probably came towards the end as, in a sly and clever coaching move, the notoriously sketchy Chris de Laiglesia, decided to bring sophomore defender Andrew Henry, along with his famed good looks, up to play midfield. Before the onlookers had time to question the coaching decision, the newly promoted defender had already buried one between the pipes. The general consensus from the fans is that Andrew Henry should move to striker for the rest of the season. The notoriously sketchy Chris de Laiglesia should really consider changing the team's tactic. Spencer punctuated the Blue Jays' performance by sending a wicked volley passed the keeper.
Sheldon shrewdly put in a superb performance from the bench as he crucially rested himself for the night's later festivities, a case race which he would dominate. Well played, Sheldon.
When interviewed after the game, the notoriously sketchy Chris de Laiglesia was asked "How are you going to celebrate the big victory?". He replied "MICA girls tonight!".
The rest is history...
*Chris de Laiglesia and Co. would like to state that this was coming from an outside source, and anything written regarding his personality or events outside the soccer field is entirely fictional and should not be taken seriously. If you must know, he actually spends time reading to the blind and often helps old ladies across the street. Some call him Father Theresa. Just putting it out there.
